Wide Open Spaces
I’ll admit, this is the first time I’m writing this while on the train. I’m on my way to my crazy Cuban aunt’s* apartment who lives on 96th and Park. Whenever I say her address I think “Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue” because my mom used to sing it to us when we were little. The * is because she’s really my mom’s cousin but she acts like and is the age of an aunt/auntie, so we call her Tia (aunt in Spanish) Mayi (short for Margarita) which is pronounced Ma yeee even though my boyfriend continues to pronounce it mahi like we’re getting the dolphin at a nice restaurant.
As much as I stress about going to Mayi’s, once I’m there - I love it. The stress comes from knowing I’m going to leave there smelling like an ashtray (because she chain smokes cigarettes inside her apartment) so I can’t wash my hair for a couple days before, and I don’t like having to commit to filth. The other thing that stresses me out is that when I’m ready to go at 10:30/11 pm, a reasonable time for getting there at 7/7:30 pm, I get the long face from Tia Mayi: “Why are you leaving so soon? Can’t you stay a little longer? Here take some food.” Cuban-Catholic guilt is like Jewish guilt, but with subtitles. My cousin Julia has a slick mouth but she continues to forget I can very easily put her in her place. I think you’re starting to get the gist of it, yeah? Most of us have family dynamics like this - or is it an immigrant/first generation thing? I feel like my therapist would say “No, but I’m happy you’re setting boundaries.” It feels more like putting up a paper fence during a hurricane but sure.
Other than taking a shower, answering some work emails and feeding and cuddling with Chachi (my black and tan wiener dog) I really had a nothing day. I think the same way it’s important for us to get out in nature physically, I think mentally we need days where we just stare at the wall, creating a wide open spaces for our mind. As I’m writing this, I think, “Everyone already knows this Irene, get on with it...” Well alright then, maybe this is more for me!
I also keep thinking about how it seems like most of us are in a bit of a fog. I certainly am and I’m hoping it’s because the beat is about to drop. (I like calling my period the “the beat” even though it will absolutely never catch on.) I recently read an article about creative burn out and one of the takeaways was to just keep creating, in spite of yourself. How some days you’re not going to want to produce or publish or post or even workout, and while breaks are healthy, I think this is more of a gentle kiss on the forehead to get you out of your funk and to keep creating so, kiss kiss.
I’m about to walk up to Mayi’s so I’m sending this out now, if I can link the article in the comments below, I will. Nana is still figuring this out.
Keep pushing.